I'm not sure what happens to my weeks but they seem to fly by or slip through my fingers or race past like I'm viewing them from a speeding train....some weeks anyway, this was one of them. We've had soccer tryouts and dance competitions and birthdays and field trips and.... the list continues on and on. I'm desperately looking forward to my day at home today.
I was reminded Saturday (or Friday...the days they do run together) of the importance of friends, the way they call us up and out (sometimes) even when we aren't expecting it. I called my good friend Kristen and she shared with me some of the incredible and painful things God is doing in her family. She called me up and then she called me out...on my homeschooling. What a blessing good friends are!
"Thank you Kris for reminding me that I'm called to do this right now and I need to lean in. In all your pain and frustration that I phoned to help you with...I left with something for me. I'm blessed to call you friend!"
On the subject of friends and community, I've been seriously missing mine, my old friends, my safety net, my resources BUT I know we are in the place we should be. I've been sad and angry but mostly lonely. It's strange because to the outside observer I would seem to have lots of friends but inside my life, I'm a bit lonely. It's hard for me to admit that actually. It makes me feel needy, which I hate (I know pride again). In examining this feeling I realize that I am mostly hating being the "new person" to have to make all the connections again in a new place. It's hard work and a strange feeling to always be the outsider.
I do have some really amazing friends (and family). You know who you are and I thank God for you so please don't take this personally. I couldn't make it without you!
Although as a child I was painfully shy, I was still motivated to have a friend or 3 and to be with people 24/7. I was, I think, somewhat afraid to be alone. As I grew older and became a teen, then an adult I was not very comfortable in my own skin. Not really sure who I was. I knew I wasn't that bubbly always happy, alway "up" girl everyone thought I was. But who was I?
As I'm sure most women find, having children does not erase this question. It only distracts us from it and adds to it. Who am I? What has God created me to do? Where do I fit? I am surprised to find these questions still rattling around in my brain. Sometimes they make me crazy and sometimes they just remind me that as we get older we're designed to continue to change and grow. We can't be completely defined by our roles. I am a mother but that alone does not characterize me. This is true of all the labels I wear mother, wife, friend.... all describe me somewhat...I seem to be again in a season of change which always brings these questions up for me.
I realize this lonely, reflective place although not comfortable for me who likes everything to be fun and easy (I know I'm a flake, what can I say?!) is exactly where I'm supposed to be. It seems to be the season for me to look more closely at who God has created me to be. Perhaps I'll even grow up a bit. What?! Weirder things have happened!
I should have warned you before you started that this post is somewhat all over the place and a tiny bit whiny. Thanks to those of you who stuck with me this far. This blog world, those of you who comment and share your lives have also become part of my new community.